Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
