mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
