i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
