Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
