Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
