dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
