we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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