I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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