I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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