Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
