textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
