woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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