why didn't you poke me back
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
