i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
