If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
