tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
