i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
