Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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