when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
