I just cut my nipple shaving
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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