I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
