i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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