I hate all girls vehemently.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
