i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
