She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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