I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
