we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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