Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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