She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My liver just had a heart attack.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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