if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
