it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
