I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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