you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
