i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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