im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
