What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
