Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
