I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
