Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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