I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
