the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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