just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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