I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Randomize
