i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
