allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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