you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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