I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
