ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i will never coherently bang her
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
