GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Houston, we have a blender
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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