If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
